Meet Lucifer by Rosalie Stanton

Name: Lucifer. Luc to my old friend Jev, the Morning Star to hippies, and Boss to my employees. However, since I have your attention, please allow me to clear the air. I do not, nor will I ever, answer to the name Satan. Satan is a rather annoying twerp I once placed in charge of some of my less dignified earthly duties. The little bugger’s resulting power trip won him a first-class ticket to eternity behind bars.

Granted, someone recently unlocked his cage, but that’s neither here nor there.

Occupation: The Devil. I also answer to The Head Honcho, The Big Cheese, and One Scary Motherfucker

Species: Deity

Speaks: Language

Age: Oh, that’s cute.

Height: Six foot four, last I checked. Six foot six with my horns.

Hair Color: Brown

Eyes: Whatever color I choose, though typically brown. I’ve been told they glow red or yellow on occasion. Once during the fifties, I believe I was accused of having what they call ‘Razzmatazz’ eyes…though I had just consumed some exceptionally bad mushrooms.

Identifying physical marks: I occasionally sport my devil horns, but only when I’m in a good mood. The fans love them.

Lucifer, I will give you two choices please pick one ….

Day or Night – I believe the Flight of the Concords put best: “the daytime of the night.”

Single or Taken – Thankfully single. You don’t truly know Hell until you’ve been married to my ex-wife.

Cat or Dog – I have both hellhounds and fire-cats, and do my best not to regard either preferentially.

Gun or Knife – I am not impressed with any manmade weapon. Then again, I can shoot fire from my hands, so I’m perhaps not the best deity to ask.

Upper body or Lower body – I find the whole body breathtaking. What is one part without the other?

Blond or Dark – In terms of partners? Well, if we’re going to limit it to those two options, I must say blonde. This is highly prejudicial on my part, I admit. My ex-wife had ebony-colored hair; were I ever to ease back into dating, I’d prefer not to be reminded of her.

Two legs or Four legs – Some people can barely stand on one. Let’s not complicate things.

Down town or Nature – Either/or seems so limiting. On one hand, the beauty of Jev’s initial creation is hard to beat, no matter how many skyscrapers are paved in the way. On the other hand, I truly enjoy seeing what these humans do with their—pardon the expression—god-given talents.

Love or Sex – I have not had the joy of romantic love, sadly. However, the love I feel for my Sins far eclipses what little pleasure there is to be had in sex. Though Jev tells me I simply haven’t met the right person yet.

Bacon and eggs or Pancakes – Why limit yourself? I’ll take all the above, as long as you throw in a few sticks of crème brulee French toast and some fried potatoes.

Lips or Neck – Lips. You can do so many things with them.

Dead or Alive – Alive. People are so much more troublesome when they’re dead, as that’s typically when they become my problem.

A few quick quotes: I have been described as manipulative, corny, stern, and at times plain terrifying. I must say it is an accurate assessment.

Anything else noteworthy: To the vast majority reading this, I sincerely hope we never have to meet.